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This holiday morning, do you fret about selecting quite the right present for that someone special? I always try, but wherever I look the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. Absolutely not, I have no desire for a candle with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we're preparing turkey. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, since I can leave the blinds achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, as that genetic material comes from milt. Were I seeking aquatic semen on my face, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.

Seeking Inspiration From the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you constantly search for gift ideas, I recommend: take a lesson from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for over a hundred million years, well before our species evolved. With a little help by evolution, this has given creatures ample time to perfect gift-giving. Heck, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their offerings!

Leaving out exercise-related items and other products I dislike, there are five main types of Christmas gift: edibles, homeware, bling, skincare and clothing. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Food Gifts: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers

Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates nutritious morsels such as insects, frogs and lizards. However, for those who like your meat shished, then look to the great grey shrike, also known as the butcher bird. The males spear prey, such as bugs and rodents, on sharp thorns and twigs to create artisan kebabs.

Certain insects present to their suitors spitballs, but these aren’t just any spitballs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with the freshest saliva from the engorged labial glands of the most genetically superior males. This offering is packed with nutrients, which is one reason the females favor males with big balls.

An additional factor is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I am not referring to “looks great in a leather jacket”, though that may be true. I refer to genetic fitness.

The gifts are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then eats the delicacy during sex but terminates intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs result in extended mating sessions, where the male transfers additional sperm and the female can’t mate with anyone else. This clarifies the male's motivation for creating such an intricate present.

Homeware and Shiny Objects

Adélie penguins don’t give food, but they do give things for the home. On the icy continent, their home, there is no home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Each breeding season, the males gather small stones to begin constructing a nest. These crucial components are scarce, prompting some chancers to pilfer stones from nearby nests. But when a male gives a pebble to a potential mate, it signals his readiness for commitment. Think of it as the penguin equivalent of an engagement ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she wants to get serious, she takes the gift and places it to the nest. Then, following some final adjustments, they are ready to start their family.

Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of people who have befriended wild corvids and later received bottle tops, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida even received a diamond bracelet by a crow they often fed. This is especially charming since, whereas most animals offer gifts in the hope of scoring, crows apparently just enjoy giving.

The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sponges

In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of marine sponge from the seabed and using them in interesting ways. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges over their rostrum to shield their skin. At other times, when male dolphins wish to court females, they don them like jaunty hats before offering them as gifts.

By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of holiday gifts. Sea sponges are clothing and skincare. To make it even better, when males present their sponge hats away, they often strike a curved posture and play a little tune through their blowhole.

This stands in contrast to the lackluster presents from pets – such as a cat presenting a dead mouse in an obscure corner – or some people. Dolphin gifts are considerate, multipurpose, sustainably sourced and delivered with panache. We can all learn for all of us. A popular song may have said the only desire during the holidays “is you”, however, my one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-hat-skin-protector by a dolphin who serenades me with style.