Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
